Navigating Life in an Unchosen Marriage
Indian women are often conditioned to suppress their dreams and desires in the face of societal expectations. Today, we sit down with Anu, whose journey through these constraints began in childhood. Her story is one of quiet defiance and resilience—grappling with the pain of lost aspirations, the shock of an arranged marriage, and the struggles of navigating a difficult relationship with her husband. Join us as Anu shares the defining moments of her life, the unspoken battles she endured, and her journey to rediscover her voice.
Boss Naari: Anu, thank you for being here today. To start, what mental health struggles would you like to share with us?
Anu: Well, “mental health struggle” sounds like a tough word. But I know my journey was difficult, and was mentally straining me for years. I hope when I speak about it, someone somewhere reads it and learns from it. I was born in a middle class family, where everyone obeyed my Nanna (father), he was the head of the family and led most of the decisions in the house. As a child, I longed to learn music and dance, but every request I made was met with refusal from my father, who dismissed them as unnecessary pursuits. Like every girl, I wanted to go to college, watch movies to swoon over Shah Rukh Khan , and marry someone that I chose. However, all my hopes were shattered. I distinctly remember that day. I was around ~20, and was returning home from a training course, to be told by my parents that my marriage had already been arranged. It took me a day to just realise what had happened. I told Nanna that I do not want to get married. That I just needed another year to finish my course and start working. But Nanna had already promised the boy’s family, and he was afraid to lose his face in the society. Everything happened so suddenly and fast, I couldn’t believe I was getting married without having any say in the matter. It all felt like a dream.
Boss Naari: It must have been difficult to navigate a marriage that wasn’t your choice. How did you cope with the early years of your marriage?
Anu: It was difficult. I had to move to a new city and live in a new home with new people. I terribly missed my parents, my friends back home. It was hard to form a connection with my husband. Whenever I voiced my struggles with my husband at home, everyone’s response was the same: "To adjust." They insisted that he was a nice guy and was raised a certain way. But sometimes I wonder, what good is niceness if he couldn’t be a supportive husband?
Boss Naari: That’s a powerful question. Could you elaborate on the challenges you faced in your marriage?
Anu: Marriage is overwhelming on its own, but it was especially difficult for me because I entered into it without any choice or preparation. My husband struggled with communication, and I soon realised we were not compatible. I felt alone in the marriage, with no support from him. To make matters worse, relatives constantly remarked on how we looked odd together—me being tall and fair, while he was short and dark. Those comments made me feel insecure about being seen together in public. Eventually, I realised I had no way out and needed to find a way to cope.
Boss Naari: How did you find the strength to continue, especially when you felt so isolated?
Anu: Having a support system outside of my marriage helped me immensely. I found solace in the most unexpected places—my in-laws, who guided me through managing household matters. Yoga and meditation became my refuge, giving me the strength to keep going.
Boss Naari: Your story highlights some deep-rooted issues in our society. What do you think your experience says about the struggles women face, particularly in arranged marriages?
Anu: My experience is an example of the challenges women in our society go through. My freedom of choice was denied in a crucial aspect like marriage, which is a basic right everyone should have—choosing the person with whom you’ll spend the rest of your life. In our country, there’s an expectation that women should adjust, no matter the circumstances. The responsibility of holding the marriage together often falls on women. We’re taught to bear with the shortcomings of our spouses which can be detrimental to one’s mental health. Despite the difficulties, I found a way to cope, but it took immense strength.
Boss Naari: What message would you give to the parents of young girls in India today?
Anu: I would say that freedom to express their feelings and opinions is the most basic and vital right, and we should ensure our children have that freedom. Looking back on my journey I believe that if I had been given that freedom, my life could have been totally different. At the same time, it's important to make sure that children are making choices that are right for them. I didn't want my children to face the same struggles that I went through, so I have always encouraged them to express themselves freely. Today, I can happily say that my daughter and I share a bond as close as friendship.
