Breaking Free from a cycle of Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a pervasive issue that often remains hidden behind closed doors. For many, it’s a daily struggle to survive, trapped in cycles of abuse and isolation. But there are also stories of resilience - of women who find the strength to break free from the chains of fear and reclaim their lives. This is one such story. A story of pain, survival, and the quiet power of self-discovery.

Keerthana Kowshik
June 19, 2019

Boss Naari: Hi, Lakshmi. Thank you for being with us today. Could you share a bit about your early life and family background?

Lakshmi: I was born in a small village near the Karnataka-Andhra border, where my father worked as a mesthri, a skilled laborer. We were four sisters, and with limited resources, my parents worked hard to provide for us. All of us were married and had children by the time we turned 20, as was customary in our community.

Boss Naari: Could you tell us about your experience in marriage? When did you first start noticing signs of domestic violence?

Lakshmi: Marriage was hard for me. My husband used to drink alcohol, and when he was intoxicated, it felt like he became a completely different person. There was no saying what he would do in those fits of rage. Adding to this, my in-laws made things even more difficult. They never truly accepted me and constantly found fault with everything I did. They would speak badly about me to my husband, filling his mind with negative thoughts about me. My husband was easily influenced, and my in-laws knew how to take advantage of that.

Boss Naari: It sounds like you were in a tough situation, with your husband’s behavior and the constant interference from your in-laws. How did things escalate over time? Were there any specific incidents that pushed you to your breaking point?

Lakshmi: It truly was difficult, It felt like I was walking on the eggshells the whole time. But one day, something terrible happened. The one incident, which made me fear for my safety in that house. It was late at night when my husband came home drunk. He was already in a foul mood. My sister-in-law who was pregnant at that time, started taunting me and complaining to my husband, that I didn’t cook the meal properly and had ruined the food. Shortly my in-laws joined her and the situation began to grow more hostile.

I tried to defend myself, but that only seemed to make things worse. My husband, influenced by their words, questioned me angrily, “How dare you talk back to us like that?” In a fit of rage, he grabbed a glass bottle from the table and threw it at me. It hit my head, and before I could even comprehend what was happening, I was on the ground.

Boss Naari: That sounds so scary, Lakshmi. I can’t even begin to imagine what it might have felt like. Can tell us what happened after that? Were you able to get out of there?

Lakshmi: Soon after that, I went back to my parents’ house. My husband didn’t even try to contact me for a while. Later, his parents suggested, “Anyway, she left, we’ll get you remarried.” But my husband didn’t heed their words. He eventually came to my parents’ house to talk to me, wanting to settle things and make amends. Despite everything my husband had put me through, there were still moments when we genuinely cared for each other. His promise to change brought back those memories, and I wanted to believe things could be different. So, I decided to give him another chance, and we moved in together near my parents’ house. But I couldn’t be more wrong.

Boss Naari: We hold onto the moments of good, even when things have been so painful. But it sounds like things didn’t go as you’d hoped. Could you share what happened next?

Lakshmi: Well, things were good for a while. Without my in-laws constantly interfering, there were fewer misunderstandings and fights between us. We even had our first child, and for a time, I was genuinely happy, believing he had changed for good. But eventually, he began urging me to move back to his parents’ house, saying, “Who else will look after them if not their son?” After seeing how much he’d changed for me, I agreed, hoping things would be different this time. But it seemed that fate had other plans for me. As soon as we moved back, he slipped into his old patterns, and I felt trapped, with nowhere else to go. I was only 17, with a kid, navigating a life I wasn’t prepared for. Growing up, we were conditioned to believe that, no matter what, a woman stays with her husband. So, despite everything, I stayed, convincing myself I had to make it work.

Boss Naari: That must have been so difficult, Lakshmi. Was there a moment when you wondered if enduring all that pain was truly worth it?

Lakshmi: Yes, I think it was when I was 24. I had another child by then, and as I got older, I found the courage to see things more clearly. I realised that no matter how much I endured, nothing truly changed. One day, I decided to leave. I packed up my children and walked away from his home. I learnt stitching to support myself and my kids. At first, it was tough, but over time it became easier. That decision gave me the confidence to believe that I could stand on my own, provide for my family, and never again have to depend on anyone.

Boss Naari: That is so inspiring, Lakshmi. So, after all of this, were you able to move on completely?

Lakshmi: Actually no, a couple of months later, my husband came back to me again. But this time, it felt like something changed. He seemed more remorseful, and for the first time, I felt like he was genuinely trying to make things right. We never went back to my in-laws again. And I think he also realized that I wouldn’t just sit and take the abuse silently anymore. I think that realisation made him more cautious, and more aware of how his actions affected me. For a while, things seemed to improve. We had a few peaceful and calm years. But life had something else on my cards, he passed away during the COVID-19 pandemic. It was a complicated mix of emotions—relief, sadness, and guilt. Despite everything, he was still the father of my children.

Boss Naari: That must have been such a complex and emotional experience, Lakshmi. It’s hard to imagine how you navigated all of that. Did you have anyone to help you cope with everything?

Lakshmi: Since I’m not a native speaker, it was hard for me to open up to others, and my in-laws never allowed me to talk to anyone outside of the family. So, I was left with no real support system. Over time, I had to learn to be my support. And when my husband passed away during COVID, I realized I had to keep going, both for myself and for my children. It was a painful time, but it also made me stronger.

Boss Naari: Lakshmi, thank you for sharing your story. It’s inspiring to see the strength you’ve shown. If there’s someone out there going through something similar, what advice would you give them?

Lakshmi: My advice would be, don’t let anyone interfere in your marriage. Stand up for yourself, yes, but also try to keep your relationship between you and your partner. Also, don’t lose yourself. It’s easy to feel trapped, especially when you don’t have anyone to turn to. But find strength within, and don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to endure mistreatment. If you can, learn a skill or find ways to earn money and stand on your own feet.